Chords for Victoria Wood - Happy Birthday BAFTA (2008)
Tempo:
107.7 bpm
Chords used:
F#
C#
B
G
G#
Tuning:Standard Tuning (EADGBE)Capo:+0fret
Start Jamming...
Queen of stand-up comedy, Victoria Wood.
Hello.
LAUGHTER
I was hanging around this afternoon, I was watching television,
and there was an advert for anti-ageing face cream.
I can't remember which brand it was, I don't think it was Dove,
cos Dove is the ladies in the white pants and bras laughing.
LAUGHTER
Just like you and me.
But they're not, cos if they were like you and me,
their pants would be grey and they wouldn't be laughing.
LAUGHTER
They would be going, I hate myself.
[N] LAUGHTER
Anyway, this face cream, it claimed to combat the seven signs of ageing.
And I thought that's a lot for one cream to do.
And actually, I think I've developed my own ideas
of what the seven signs of ageing are.
And I've had to write them down, cos the eighth sign of ageing
is you can't remember the first seven.
LAUGHTER
Right, the first sign of ageing is you don't really know who anybody is.
LAUGHTER
On the telly, in a magazine, you don't really know.
Like when they said, you know, people from Coronation Street are going,
I'm sure some of you are going, perhaps we'll see Minnie Caldwell.
I try and keep up.
Cos I do read Heat magazine, but I still get muddled, you know,
I get Fern Britton mixed up with Fern Cotton.
LAUGHTER
Fern Cotton mixed up with Dot Cotton.
Dot Cotton mixed up with Paul McCartney.
You hear people talking about Kerry Katona,
you think they mean Kiritakanawa.
The second sign of ageing is that you think you are very modern
just because you have a mobile phone
and you know how to order a skinny latte.
LAUGHTER
Skinny latte, Jean.
Oh, yes, what size?
Mug, vase or bucket?
Bucket, please.
Two buckets.
And you love texting.
You're so modern, you love texting.
You love getting a text, you love texting back,
as long as you can hold the phone near the window.
Now, the third sign of ageing is that when you go out for a dinner
or a drink, you don't really want to have it on the pavement.
You've paid a lot of money in your life for warmth and shelter,
you don't really want to sit on a wet aluminium chair
with burger wrappers blown round your ankles.
You can eat it with wet, unpredictable weather,
but people still think it's clever to spit.
You can put chairs and tables outside as many cafes as you like
in the United Kingdom.
It won't be Tuscany.
Another sign of ageing is you remember when it was jiff.
You were happy when it was oil of Yulee.
What's up with oil of Yulee?
We never used it, but we all had one, didn't we?
Do you remember?
Jiff, I like jiff.
Jiff said everything to me.
It was modern.
It implied you could clean your bath in a jiffy.
Now, it's sif.
Is that for the EU?
Is that because Spanish people can't say juh?
The only thing you're going to have to start with is sir.
Jelly babies are going to have to be celly babies.
Jammie Dodgers have to be Sammy Dodgers.
Sockstraps have to be Sockstraps.
Which, for some people, they always have been.
I can't be doing with this rebranding thing.
We got a letter from our council a bit ago, and it said,
we've just spent a million pounds refreshing our tired logo.
We hope you'll be happy with this vibrant aqua.
You think, oh, just empty the bloody bins, will you?
Right, the next sign of ageing is,
when you get to a certain age, you know there's very thin catalogues
that come with the Sunday papers that you normally put straight in the recycling?
When you get to a certain age, you start ordering things from the
Things that you once sneered at, you now think, ooh, now.
That's very sensible.
It's a thermal hat.
It holds a bowl of soup in a brown roll.
[F#]
Oh, look at this fleece body warmer with detachable blood pressure cuff.
Comes in three shades, beige, mauve and sago.
I'm getting there.
[N] I tell you, the sixth sign of ageing is when all your respectable middle-aged married friends
go completely off the rails.
All your lady friends with the big fat arms who've done nothing for 25 years
but sit on a settee with a bag of kettle chips propped up on their bust.
Suddenly losing four stones, zipping themselves into suede trousers and going,
this is my time, Derek.
And they've gone sex mad.
All my friends have gone sex mad.
Women who previously would only have sex if there was an S in the month.
Come on, keep up, keep up.
[F#] August and September, yeah, that's the joke.
They're going internet dating, speed dating.
They're putting up their photograph in telephone boxes.
They're going out with younger men.
I've got two friends who go out with younger men.
One can never go out on a Thursday because that's Venture Scouts.
I mean, I must admit, I clicked with a young man myself the other week.
I don't know, we locked eyes at the traffic lights and I felt there was something there.
But once he'd cleaned my windscreen, I gave him 20p so I didn't feel it was going anywhere.
[C#] I can't get involved in sex.
I'm just too inhibited and I've got too bad a body image
and all that worry about body hair.
Because I never used to worry about that when I was young, you know,
I just had three little bits, two little bits here, one little bit there.
Now, it's all over the shop, you know.
Honestly, if you leave it, you look like you should be cross-legged in a forest playing the pan pipes.
[B]
And apparently these days, it has to go into a shape, [F#] apparently.
You can't do what I do, which is just chop the odd chunk [N] off with the nail scissors.
The seventh sign of ageing, and I'm trying to end on a positive note here.
The seventh sign of ageing is that you know who you are.
You know what you have to do to be fulfilled, happy, serene.
You just can't be arsed to do any of it.
The thing is, we know what we should do.
Because we're realistic, we know what we will do.
And I carry around with me, I have this little list of things that I should do.
And in my head, I carry around a little list of what I actually will do.
So, make healthy salad with omega-3 dressing.
Watch Property Ladder.
Go out and see a film on global warming.
Stay in and watch When Celebrities Wet Their Pants.
Think of some big, brilliant finish to your act that will tie up everything and get you off on a big laugh.
Just wave and get off.
Thanks, goodnight.
[G]
[G#] [C]
Hello.
LAUGHTER
I was hanging around this afternoon, I was watching television,
and there was an advert for anti-ageing face cream.
I can't remember which brand it was, I don't think it was Dove,
cos Dove is the ladies in the white pants and bras laughing.
LAUGHTER
Just like you and me.
But they're not, cos if they were like you and me,
their pants would be grey and they wouldn't be laughing.
LAUGHTER
They would be going, I hate myself.
[N] LAUGHTER
Anyway, this face cream, it claimed to combat the seven signs of ageing.
And I thought that's a lot for one cream to do.
And actually, I think I've developed my own ideas
of what the seven signs of ageing are.
And I've had to write them down, cos the eighth sign of ageing
is you can't remember the first seven.
LAUGHTER
Right, the first sign of ageing is you don't really know who anybody is.
LAUGHTER
On the telly, in a magazine, you don't really know.
Like when they said, you know, people from Coronation Street are going,
I'm sure some of you are going, perhaps we'll see Minnie Caldwell.
I try and keep up.
Cos I do read Heat magazine, but I still get muddled, you know,
I get Fern Britton mixed up with Fern Cotton.
LAUGHTER
Fern Cotton mixed up with Dot Cotton.
Dot Cotton mixed up with Paul McCartney.
You hear people talking about Kerry Katona,
you think they mean Kiritakanawa.
The second sign of ageing is that you think you are very modern
just because you have a mobile phone
and you know how to order a skinny latte.
LAUGHTER
Skinny latte, Jean.
Oh, yes, what size?
Mug, vase or bucket?
Bucket, please.
Two buckets.
And you love texting.
You're so modern, you love texting.
You love getting a text, you love texting back,
as long as you can hold the phone near the window.
Now, the third sign of ageing is that when you go out for a dinner
or a drink, you don't really want to have it on the pavement.
You've paid a lot of money in your life for warmth and shelter,
you don't really want to sit on a wet aluminium chair
with burger wrappers blown round your ankles.
You can eat it with wet, unpredictable weather,
but people still think it's clever to spit.
You can put chairs and tables outside as many cafes as you like
in the United Kingdom.
It won't be Tuscany.
Another sign of ageing is you remember when it was jiff.
You were happy when it was oil of Yulee.
What's up with oil of Yulee?
We never used it, but we all had one, didn't we?
Do you remember?
Jiff, I like jiff.
Jiff said everything to me.
It was modern.
It implied you could clean your bath in a jiffy.
Now, it's sif.
Is that for the EU?
Is that because Spanish people can't say juh?
The only thing you're going to have to start with is sir.
Jelly babies are going to have to be celly babies.
Jammie Dodgers have to be Sammy Dodgers.
Sockstraps have to be Sockstraps.
Which, for some people, they always have been.
I can't be doing with this rebranding thing.
We got a letter from our council a bit ago, and it said,
we've just spent a million pounds refreshing our tired logo.
We hope you'll be happy with this vibrant aqua.
You think, oh, just empty the bloody bins, will you?
Right, the next sign of ageing is,
when you get to a certain age, you know there's very thin catalogues
that come with the Sunday papers that you normally put straight in the recycling?
When you get to a certain age, you start ordering things from the
Things that you once sneered at, you now think, ooh, now.
That's very sensible.
It's a thermal hat.
It holds a bowl of soup in a brown roll.
[F#]
Oh, look at this fleece body warmer with detachable blood pressure cuff.
Comes in three shades, beige, mauve and sago.
I'm getting there.
[N] I tell you, the sixth sign of ageing is when all your respectable middle-aged married friends
go completely off the rails.
All your lady friends with the big fat arms who've done nothing for 25 years
but sit on a settee with a bag of kettle chips propped up on their bust.
Suddenly losing four stones, zipping themselves into suede trousers and going,
this is my time, Derek.
And they've gone sex mad.
All my friends have gone sex mad.
Women who previously would only have sex if there was an S in the month.
Come on, keep up, keep up.
[F#] August and September, yeah, that's the joke.
They're going internet dating, speed dating.
They're putting up their photograph in telephone boxes.
They're going out with younger men.
I've got two friends who go out with younger men.
One can never go out on a Thursday because that's Venture Scouts.
I mean, I must admit, I clicked with a young man myself the other week.
I don't know, we locked eyes at the traffic lights and I felt there was something there.
But once he'd cleaned my windscreen, I gave him 20p so I didn't feel it was going anywhere.
[C#] I can't get involved in sex.
I'm just too inhibited and I've got too bad a body image
and all that worry about body hair.
Because I never used to worry about that when I was young, you know,
I just had three little bits, two little bits here, one little bit there.
Now, it's all over the shop, you know.
Honestly, if you leave it, you look like you should be cross-legged in a forest playing the pan pipes.
[B]
And apparently these days, it has to go into a shape, [F#] apparently.
You can't do what I do, which is just chop the odd chunk [N] off with the nail scissors.
The seventh sign of ageing, and I'm trying to end on a positive note here.
The seventh sign of ageing is that you know who you are.
You know what you have to do to be fulfilled, happy, serene.
You just can't be arsed to do any of it.
The thing is, we know what we should do.
Because we're realistic, we know what we will do.
And I carry around with me, I have this little list of things that I should do.
And in my head, I carry around a little list of what I actually will do.
So, make healthy salad with omega-3 dressing.
Watch Property Ladder.
Go out and see a film on global warming.
Stay in and watch When Celebrities Wet Their Pants.
Think of some big, brilliant finish to your act that will tie up everything and get you off on a big laugh.
Just wave and get off.
Thanks, goodnight.
[G]
[G#] [C]
Key:
F#
C#
B
G
G#
F#
C#
B
Queen of stand-up comedy, Victoria Wood. _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ Hello.
_ LAUGHTER
I was hanging around this afternoon, I was watching television,
and there was an advert for anti-ageing face cream.
I can't remember which brand it was, I don't think it was Dove,
cos Dove is the ladies in the white pants and bras laughing.
_ LAUGHTER
Just like you and me.
_ But they're not, cos if they were like you and me,
their pants would be grey and they wouldn't be laughing.
LAUGHTER
_ They would be going, I hate myself.
[N] LAUGHTER
Anyway, this face cream, it claimed to combat the seven signs of ageing.
And I thought that's a lot for one cream to do.
And actually, I think I've developed my own ideas
of what the seven signs of ageing are.
And I've had to write them down, cos the eighth sign of ageing
is you can't remember the first seven. _ _
LAUGHTER
Right, the first sign of ageing is you don't really know who anybody is.
LAUGHTER
On the telly, in a magazine, you don't really know.
Like when they said, you know, people from Coronation Street are going,
I'm sure some of you are going, perhaps we'll see Minnie Caldwell. _ _
I try and keep up.
Cos I do read Heat magazine, but I still get muddled, you know,
I get Fern Britton mixed up with Fern Cotton.
_ LAUGHTER
Fern Cotton mixed up with Dot Cotton.
_ Dot Cotton mixed up with Paul McCartney.
_ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ You hear people talking about Kerry Katona,
you think they mean Kiritakanawa.
The _ second sign of ageing is that you think you are very modern
just because you have a mobile phone
and you know how to order a skinny latte. _
_ _ LAUGHTER
Skinny latte, Jean.
Oh, yes, what size?
Mug, vase or bucket?
Bucket, please.
Two buckets. _
And you love texting.
You're so modern, you love texting.
You love getting a text, you love texting back,
as long as you can hold the phone near the window.
Now, _ _ _ _ the third sign of ageing is that when you go out for a dinner
or a drink, you don't really want to have it on the pavement. _
You've paid a lot of money in your life for warmth and shelter,
you don't really want to sit on a wet aluminium chair
with burger wrappers blown round your ankles.
You can eat it with wet, unpredictable weather,
but people still think it's clever to spit.
You can put chairs and tables outside as many cafes as you like
in the United Kingdom.
It won't be Tuscany. _ _
_ _ _ _ Another sign of ageing is you remember when it was jiff.
You _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ were happy when it was oil of Yulee.
What's up with oil of Yulee?
We never used it, but we all had one, didn't we?
Do you remember?
Jiff, I like jiff.
Jiff said everything to me.
It was modern.
It implied you could clean your bath in a jiffy.
Now, it's sif.
Is that for the EU?
Is that because Spanish people can't say juh? _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ The only thing you're going to have to start with is sir.
_ Jelly babies are going to have to be celly babies.
_ Jammie Dodgers have to be Sammy Dodgers.
Sockstraps have to be Sockstraps.
Which, for some people, they always have been. _ _
I can't be doing with this rebranding thing.
We got a letter from our council a bit ago, and it said,
we've just spent a million pounds refreshing our tired logo.
We hope you'll be happy with this vibrant aqua.
You think, oh, just empty the bloody bins, will you?
_ _ Right, the next sign of ageing is,
when you get to a certain age, you know there's very thin catalogues
that come with the Sunday papers that you normally put straight in the recycling? _
When you get to a certain age, you start ordering things from the_
_ _ _ _ _
Things that you once sneered at, you now think, ooh, now. _
_ _ That's very sensible.
It's a thermal hat.
_ _ It holds a bowl of soup in a brown roll.
_ [F#] _ _
Oh, look at this fleece body warmer with detachable blood pressure cuff.
_ _ _ Comes in three shades, beige, mauve and sago.
I'm getting there. _
_ [N] I tell you, the sixth sign of ageing is when all your respectable middle-aged married friends
go completely off the rails.
All your lady friends with the big fat arms who've done nothing for 25 years
but sit on a settee with a bag of kettle chips propped up on their bust.
Suddenly losing four stones, zipping themselves into suede trousers and going,
this is my time, Derek. _ _
And _ _ _ they've gone sex mad.
All my friends have gone sex mad.
Women who previously would only have sex if there was an S in the month.
Come on, keep up, keep up.
_ [F#] August and September, yeah, that's the joke.
_ They're going internet dating, speed dating.
They're putting up their photograph in telephone boxes.
They're going out with younger men.
I've got two friends who go out with younger men.
One can never go out on a Thursday because that's Venture Scouts.
_ _ _ _ _ _
_ I mean, I must admit, I clicked with a young man myself the other week.
I don't know, we locked eyes at the traffic lights and I felt there was something there.
But once he'd cleaned my windscreen, I gave him 20p so I didn't feel it was going anywhere. _ _
[C#] I can't get involved in sex.
I'm just too inhibited and I've got too bad a body image
and all that worry about body hair.
Because I never used to worry about that when I was young, you know,
I just had three little bits, two little bits here, one little bit there.
_ _ Now, it's all over the shop, you know. _ _
Honestly, if you leave it, you look like you should be cross-legged in a forest playing the pan pipes.
_ _ [B] _ _ _
_ _ And apparently these days, it has to go into a shape, [F#] apparently. _ _
_ You can't do what I do, which is just chop the odd chunk [N] off with the nail scissors. _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ The seventh sign of ageing, and I'm trying to end on a positive note here.
The seventh sign of ageing is that you know who you are.
You know what you have to do to be fulfilled, happy, serene.
You just can't be arsed to do any of it.
The thing is, we know what we should do.
Because we're realistic, we know what we will do.
And I carry around with me, I have this little list of things that I should do.
And in my head, I carry around a little list of what I actually will do.
So, make healthy salad with omega-3 dressing.
_ _ Watch Property Ladder.
_ Go out and see a film on global warming.
Stay in and watch When Celebrities Wet Their Pants.
_ _ Think of some big, brilliant finish to your act that will tie up everything and get you off on a big laugh.
Just wave and get off.
Thanks, goodnight.
_ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _
_ [G] _ _ _ _ _
[G#] _ _ _ [C] _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ Hello.
_ LAUGHTER
I was hanging around this afternoon, I was watching television,
and there was an advert for anti-ageing face cream.
I can't remember which brand it was, I don't think it was Dove,
cos Dove is the ladies in the white pants and bras laughing.
_ LAUGHTER
Just like you and me.
_ But they're not, cos if they were like you and me,
their pants would be grey and they wouldn't be laughing.
LAUGHTER
_ They would be going, I hate myself.
[N] LAUGHTER
Anyway, this face cream, it claimed to combat the seven signs of ageing.
And I thought that's a lot for one cream to do.
And actually, I think I've developed my own ideas
of what the seven signs of ageing are.
And I've had to write them down, cos the eighth sign of ageing
is you can't remember the first seven. _ _
LAUGHTER
Right, the first sign of ageing is you don't really know who anybody is.
LAUGHTER
On the telly, in a magazine, you don't really know.
Like when they said, you know, people from Coronation Street are going,
I'm sure some of you are going, perhaps we'll see Minnie Caldwell. _ _
I try and keep up.
Cos I do read Heat magazine, but I still get muddled, you know,
I get Fern Britton mixed up with Fern Cotton.
_ LAUGHTER
Fern Cotton mixed up with Dot Cotton.
_ Dot Cotton mixed up with Paul McCartney.
_ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ You hear people talking about Kerry Katona,
you think they mean Kiritakanawa.
The _ second sign of ageing is that you think you are very modern
just because you have a mobile phone
and you know how to order a skinny latte. _
_ _ LAUGHTER
Skinny latte, Jean.
Oh, yes, what size?
Mug, vase or bucket?
Bucket, please.
Two buckets. _
And you love texting.
You're so modern, you love texting.
You love getting a text, you love texting back,
as long as you can hold the phone near the window.
Now, _ _ _ _ the third sign of ageing is that when you go out for a dinner
or a drink, you don't really want to have it on the pavement. _
You've paid a lot of money in your life for warmth and shelter,
you don't really want to sit on a wet aluminium chair
with burger wrappers blown round your ankles.
You can eat it with wet, unpredictable weather,
but people still think it's clever to spit.
You can put chairs and tables outside as many cafes as you like
in the United Kingdom.
It won't be Tuscany. _ _
_ _ _ _ Another sign of ageing is you remember when it was jiff.
You _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ were happy when it was oil of Yulee.
What's up with oil of Yulee?
We never used it, but we all had one, didn't we?
Do you remember?
Jiff, I like jiff.
Jiff said everything to me.
It was modern.
It implied you could clean your bath in a jiffy.
Now, it's sif.
Is that for the EU?
Is that because Spanish people can't say juh? _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ The only thing you're going to have to start with is sir.
_ Jelly babies are going to have to be celly babies.
_ Jammie Dodgers have to be Sammy Dodgers.
Sockstraps have to be Sockstraps.
Which, for some people, they always have been. _ _
I can't be doing with this rebranding thing.
We got a letter from our council a bit ago, and it said,
we've just spent a million pounds refreshing our tired logo.
We hope you'll be happy with this vibrant aqua.
You think, oh, just empty the bloody bins, will you?
_ _ Right, the next sign of ageing is,
when you get to a certain age, you know there's very thin catalogues
that come with the Sunday papers that you normally put straight in the recycling? _
When you get to a certain age, you start ordering things from the_
_ _ _ _ _
Things that you once sneered at, you now think, ooh, now. _
_ _ That's very sensible.
It's a thermal hat.
_ _ It holds a bowl of soup in a brown roll.
_ [F#] _ _
Oh, look at this fleece body warmer with detachable blood pressure cuff.
_ _ _ Comes in three shades, beige, mauve and sago.
I'm getting there. _
_ [N] I tell you, the sixth sign of ageing is when all your respectable middle-aged married friends
go completely off the rails.
All your lady friends with the big fat arms who've done nothing for 25 years
but sit on a settee with a bag of kettle chips propped up on their bust.
Suddenly losing four stones, zipping themselves into suede trousers and going,
this is my time, Derek. _ _
And _ _ _ they've gone sex mad.
All my friends have gone sex mad.
Women who previously would only have sex if there was an S in the month.
Come on, keep up, keep up.
_ [F#] August and September, yeah, that's the joke.
_ They're going internet dating, speed dating.
They're putting up their photograph in telephone boxes.
They're going out with younger men.
I've got two friends who go out with younger men.
One can never go out on a Thursday because that's Venture Scouts.
_ _ _ _ _ _
_ I mean, I must admit, I clicked with a young man myself the other week.
I don't know, we locked eyes at the traffic lights and I felt there was something there.
But once he'd cleaned my windscreen, I gave him 20p so I didn't feel it was going anywhere. _ _
[C#] I can't get involved in sex.
I'm just too inhibited and I've got too bad a body image
and all that worry about body hair.
Because I never used to worry about that when I was young, you know,
I just had three little bits, two little bits here, one little bit there.
_ _ Now, it's all over the shop, you know. _ _
Honestly, if you leave it, you look like you should be cross-legged in a forest playing the pan pipes.
_ _ [B] _ _ _
_ _ And apparently these days, it has to go into a shape, [F#] apparently. _ _
_ You can't do what I do, which is just chop the odd chunk [N] off with the nail scissors. _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ The seventh sign of ageing, and I'm trying to end on a positive note here.
The seventh sign of ageing is that you know who you are.
You know what you have to do to be fulfilled, happy, serene.
You just can't be arsed to do any of it.
The thing is, we know what we should do.
Because we're realistic, we know what we will do.
And I carry around with me, I have this little list of things that I should do.
And in my head, I carry around a little list of what I actually will do.
So, make healthy salad with omega-3 dressing.
_ _ Watch Property Ladder.
_ Go out and see a film on global warming.
Stay in and watch When Celebrities Wet Their Pants.
_ _ Think of some big, brilliant finish to your act that will tie up everything and get you off on a big laugh.
Just wave and get off.
Thanks, goodnight.
_ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _
_ [G] _ _ _ _ _
[G#] _ _ _ [C] _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _