Chords for Self Help Class Sketch - Victoria Wood As Seen on TV
Tempo:
120.25 bpm
Chords used:
F
Eb
Tuning:Standard Tuning (EADGBE)Capo:+0fret
Start Jamming...
I know I'm late.
I've had another dust-up with Andy Cramp.
I said no point dumping it all in ladies.
It's a well-known fat raffia dump, Flush.
I'm going to go and dump some.
Don't want no more pignant pillocks barging in through Judo.
Right.
Life.
L-I-I-P.
What is it?
What you make it.
It is what you make it.
God can give you cardboard, but it's up to you to save up for Stanley knife.
Am I right?
No, not wrong.
If life gets on top of you, what do you do?
Bite its ears off.
Bite its ears off.
You don't give up.
If you want to be trodden, I'm right welcome on your arse, but don't come here.
I'm a fighter.
All as I've been, all as will be.
And I'm going to teach you boys to fight back.
Right.
Dennis, get that face up.
This is God's good anaglypta.
Get looking at it.
Too spotty.
Spotty?
Do you think I've never been spotty?
I've had craters big enough to hold a Tupperware party in.
Back like a red vinyl egg box.
I've had spots so big, I could burst them.
They had to be detonated in a controlled [F] explosion.
The nose hairs.
Right.
Right.
Dennis, did you pluck up?
Did [Eb] you propose?
Well, I remember what you said, that lutes don't matter.
And at least with a face like mine, I wouldn't have all the pressures of being a top male model.
Male model, [N] yeah.
Well, she still said no.
Now, Dennis, after this class is over, I want you to get over there,
put tinsel round your private parts,
yes, stick them through the letterbox and say,
Hey up, Sandra, this is what you're missing, chump.
Will you do that?
Yvonne.
Stand up for me, Yvonne, will you please?
Now, Vaughn has been coming to me now for quite some fart nights, haven't you, Vaughn?
He come here, you know, he crawled here.
Well, you wet yourself, to be frank, didn't you, Vaughn?
In fact, there's still a bit of a niff in my rush bottom.
He had personality problems, he had marital worries, he had trouble at work,
he had mouth ulcers and he couldn't pronounce Bonjila.
In fact, you were buttered up bloody chip pan, weren't you, Vaughn?
I was, no two ways.
And so, Vaughn, would you like to tell me and Dennis and Michael and Gonzo
what exactly happened when you awoke this morning?
I got up to find that my wife had prepared two fried eggs,
which, as you know, lurk in my guts.
So, instead of concealing them in my car coat pocket, as per usual,
I applied them to the inside of my wife's bra slip,
affording her not inconsiderable singeing to the bust region.
When she pointed this out, I replied that it was of little interest to me
since we had not had intimacy since the power cuts of 1971.
And even on that occasion, I could recollect no satisfactory conclusion.
This is heart-warming stuff, Vaughn.
Go on.
I asked my boss for a rise.
On his refusal, I removed his clothing
and filed him under B for birthday suit.
Go on.
I have lost my job.
I face several charges of manslaughter.
In fact, there are two plainclothes policemen waiting in the corridor.
You have totally ruined my life.
And I now feel able to tell you that you are deeply unattractive
with all the sexual allure of K-PoC.
And I now feel obliged to kill you, or at the very least badly maim you.
[F]
Great, Vaughn.
Only next time, tweet me noses and then throw me through a window.
OK,
I've had another dust-up with Andy Cramp.
I said no point dumping it all in ladies.
It's a well-known fat raffia dump, Flush.
I'm going to go and dump some.
Don't want no more pignant pillocks barging in through Judo.
Right.
Life.
L-I-I-P.
What is it?
What you make it.
It is what you make it.
God can give you cardboard, but it's up to you to save up for Stanley knife.
Am I right?
No, not wrong.
If life gets on top of you, what do you do?
Bite its ears off.
Bite its ears off.
You don't give up.
If you want to be trodden, I'm right welcome on your arse, but don't come here.
I'm a fighter.
All as I've been, all as will be.
And I'm going to teach you boys to fight back.
Right.
Dennis, get that face up.
This is God's good anaglypta.
Get looking at it.
Too spotty.
Spotty?
Do you think I've never been spotty?
I've had craters big enough to hold a Tupperware party in.
Back like a red vinyl egg box.
I've had spots so big, I could burst them.
They had to be detonated in a controlled [F] explosion.
The nose hairs.
Right.
Right.
Dennis, did you pluck up?
Did [Eb] you propose?
Well, I remember what you said, that lutes don't matter.
And at least with a face like mine, I wouldn't have all the pressures of being a top male model.
Male model, [N] yeah.
Well, she still said no.
Now, Dennis, after this class is over, I want you to get over there,
put tinsel round your private parts,
yes, stick them through the letterbox and say,
Hey up, Sandra, this is what you're missing, chump.
Will you do that?
Yvonne.
Stand up for me, Yvonne, will you please?
Now, Vaughn has been coming to me now for quite some fart nights, haven't you, Vaughn?
He come here, you know, he crawled here.
Well, you wet yourself, to be frank, didn't you, Vaughn?
In fact, there's still a bit of a niff in my rush bottom.
He had personality problems, he had marital worries, he had trouble at work,
he had mouth ulcers and he couldn't pronounce Bonjila.
In fact, you were buttered up bloody chip pan, weren't you, Vaughn?
I was, no two ways.
And so, Vaughn, would you like to tell me and Dennis and Michael and Gonzo
what exactly happened when you awoke this morning?
I got up to find that my wife had prepared two fried eggs,
which, as you know, lurk in my guts.
So, instead of concealing them in my car coat pocket, as per usual,
I applied them to the inside of my wife's bra slip,
affording her not inconsiderable singeing to the bust region.
When she pointed this out, I replied that it was of little interest to me
since we had not had intimacy since the power cuts of 1971.
And even on that occasion, I could recollect no satisfactory conclusion.
This is heart-warming stuff, Vaughn.
Go on.
I asked my boss for a rise.
On his refusal, I removed his clothing
and filed him under B for birthday suit.
Go on.
I have lost my job.
I face several charges of manslaughter.
In fact, there are two plainclothes policemen waiting in the corridor.
You have totally ruined my life.
And I now feel able to tell you that you are deeply unattractive
with all the sexual allure of K-PoC.
And I now feel obliged to kill you, or at the very least badly maim you.
[F]
Great, Vaughn.
Only next time, tweet me noses and then throw me through a window.
OK,
Key:
F
Eb
F
Eb
F
Eb
F
Eb
_ _ I know I'm late.
I've had another dust-up with Andy Cramp.
I said no point dumping it all in ladies.
It's a well-known fat raffia dump, Flush.
I'm going to go and dump some. _
Don't want no more pignant pillocks barging in through Judo.
_ _ _ _ Right.
Life. _
L-I-I-P.
What is it?
What you make it.
It is what you make it.
God can give you cardboard, but it's up to you to save up for Stanley knife.
Am I right?
No, not wrong.
If life gets on top of you, what do you do?
Bite its ears off.
Bite its ears off.
You _ _ don't give up.
If you want to be trodden, I'm right welcome on your arse, but don't come here.
_ _ I'm a fighter.
All as I've been, all as will be.
And I'm going to teach you boys to fight back.
Right.
Dennis, get that face up.
This is God's good anaglypta.
Get looking at it.
Too spotty.
Spotty?
Do you think I've never been spotty?
I've had craters big enough to hold a Tupperware party in.
Back _ _ like a red vinyl egg box.
I've had spots so big, I could burst them.
They had to be detonated in a controlled [F] explosion.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
The nose hairs.
_ Right.
_ Right.
Dennis, did you pluck up?
Did [Eb] you propose?
Well, I remember what you said, that lutes don't matter.
And at least with a face like mine, I wouldn't have all the pressures of being a top male model.
Male model, [N] yeah.
Well, she still said no.
Now, Dennis, _ after this class is over, I want you to get over there,
put tinsel round your private parts,
yes, stick them through the letterbox and say,
Hey up, Sandra, this is what you're missing, chump.
Will you do that? _ _
_ _ _ _ _ Yvonne.
Stand up for me, Yvonne, will you please?
Now, Vaughn has been coming to me now for quite some fart nights, haven't you, Vaughn?
He come here, you know, he crawled here.
Well, you wet yourself, to be frank, didn't you, Vaughn?
In fact, there's still a bit of a niff in my rush bottom.
_ He had personality problems, he had marital worries, he had trouble at work,
he had mouth ulcers and he couldn't pronounce Bonjila.
In fact, you were buttered up bloody chip pan, weren't you, Vaughn?
I was, no two ways.
And so, Vaughn, would you like to tell me and Dennis and Michael and Gonzo
what exactly happened when you awoke this morning?
I got up to find that my wife had prepared two fried eggs,
which, as you know, lurk in my guts. _
So, instead of concealing them in my car coat pocket, as per usual,
I applied them to the inside of my wife's bra slip,
_ affording her not inconsiderable singeing to the bust region.
When she pointed this out, I replied that it was of little interest to me
since we had not had intimacy since the power cuts of 1971.
_ And even on that occasion, I could recollect no satisfactory conclusion.
_ This is heart-warming stuff, Vaughn.
Go on.
I asked my boss for a rise.
On his refusal, I removed his clothing
and filed him under B for birthday suit.
Go on.
I have lost my job.
I face several charges of manslaughter.
In fact, there are two plainclothes policemen waiting in the corridor.
_ You have totally ruined my life.
And I now feel able to tell you that you are deeply _ unattractive
with all the sexual allure of K-PoC.
_ _ And I now feel obliged to kill you, or at the very least badly maim you. _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ [F] _
_ _ _ _ _ Great, Vaughn.
Only next time, tweet me noses and then throw me through a window.
OK,
I've had another dust-up with Andy Cramp.
I said no point dumping it all in ladies.
It's a well-known fat raffia dump, Flush.
I'm going to go and dump some. _
Don't want no more pignant pillocks barging in through Judo.
_ _ _ _ Right.
Life. _
L-I-I-P.
What is it?
What you make it.
It is what you make it.
God can give you cardboard, but it's up to you to save up for Stanley knife.
Am I right?
No, not wrong.
If life gets on top of you, what do you do?
Bite its ears off.
Bite its ears off.
You _ _ don't give up.
If you want to be trodden, I'm right welcome on your arse, but don't come here.
_ _ I'm a fighter.
All as I've been, all as will be.
And I'm going to teach you boys to fight back.
Right.
Dennis, get that face up.
This is God's good anaglypta.
Get looking at it.
Too spotty.
Spotty?
Do you think I've never been spotty?
I've had craters big enough to hold a Tupperware party in.
Back _ _ like a red vinyl egg box.
I've had spots so big, I could burst them.
They had to be detonated in a controlled [F] explosion.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
The nose hairs.
_ Right.
_ Right.
Dennis, did you pluck up?
Did [Eb] you propose?
Well, I remember what you said, that lutes don't matter.
And at least with a face like mine, I wouldn't have all the pressures of being a top male model.
Male model, [N] yeah.
Well, she still said no.
Now, Dennis, _ after this class is over, I want you to get over there,
put tinsel round your private parts,
yes, stick them through the letterbox and say,
Hey up, Sandra, this is what you're missing, chump.
Will you do that? _ _
_ _ _ _ _ Yvonne.
Stand up for me, Yvonne, will you please?
Now, Vaughn has been coming to me now for quite some fart nights, haven't you, Vaughn?
He come here, you know, he crawled here.
Well, you wet yourself, to be frank, didn't you, Vaughn?
In fact, there's still a bit of a niff in my rush bottom.
_ He had personality problems, he had marital worries, he had trouble at work,
he had mouth ulcers and he couldn't pronounce Bonjila.
In fact, you were buttered up bloody chip pan, weren't you, Vaughn?
I was, no two ways.
And so, Vaughn, would you like to tell me and Dennis and Michael and Gonzo
what exactly happened when you awoke this morning?
I got up to find that my wife had prepared two fried eggs,
which, as you know, lurk in my guts. _
So, instead of concealing them in my car coat pocket, as per usual,
I applied them to the inside of my wife's bra slip,
_ affording her not inconsiderable singeing to the bust region.
When she pointed this out, I replied that it was of little interest to me
since we had not had intimacy since the power cuts of 1971.
_ And even on that occasion, I could recollect no satisfactory conclusion.
_ This is heart-warming stuff, Vaughn.
Go on.
I asked my boss for a rise.
On his refusal, I removed his clothing
and filed him under B for birthday suit.
Go on.
I have lost my job.
I face several charges of manslaughter.
In fact, there are two plainclothes policemen waiting in the corridor.
_ You have totally ruined my life.
And I now feel able to tell you that you are deeply _ unattractive
with all the sexual allure of K-PoC.
_ _ And I now feel obliged to kill you, or at the very least badly maim you. _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ [F] _
_ _ _ _ _ Great, Vaughn.
Only next time, tweet me noses and then throw me through a window.
OK,