Chords for Scuzz Twittly's Pawn Shop

[Am] _ I'm Scuzz Twitley, and I make money the old-fashioned way, wheelin' and dealin' and scurrin' people blind.
This is my pawn shop.
_ _ _ [D] _
[Am] _ _ _ _ _ [E] _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ What you got there?
Well, my great-uncle Jed was a big music [A] fan and also an ambulance driver in Memphis.
[E] On August 16th, _ _ 1977, he gets an [Db] emergency dispatch [D] call from Graceland.
Does that date ring a bell to you?
Hell yeah.
That's the day Elvis died.
[E] I tell you, there ain't no bigger Elvis fan than me, so whatever this fella's got in the box, I [D] am definitely interested.
My uncle was the first one on the scene.
And let's just say it weren't a pretty sight in the master bathroom that day.
Hell, bet.
[Cm] What a lot of [F] folks don't know about the [Dm] king [Bb] is [C] the king died on his throne.
_ [Eb] So my [D] uncle Jed, _ huge [Eb] Elvis fan that he was, [D]
scooped up the [G] last thing that musical genius [D] left us in this world. _ _ _ _
_ His final movement. _ _ _ _
_ _ [N] Holy s***.
_ _ [E]
I don't know how much he wants, but I'll pay just about anything [A] for a piece of the king.
We're talking about a hunk of rock and roll [E] history.
[D] _ So, uh, _ _ how much you want for it? _ _ _
Well, I was thinking, seeing as it is _ _ Elvis _ taking care of business [Dm] for the last time, _ _ _ _ _ $7,587. _ _
_ Sweet.
Ballpark figure.
I really do want it, but before I start showing that kind of money, let me get an expert in here to see if this thing's a real deal.
Sounds good.
[E] I got this fella I call and I'm not sure about the market value of famous people excrement.
Better to be safe than sorry.
I mean, [B] for all I know, this could be Barry Manilow's work was done.
[E] _ _ Good morning, scuzz.
So what do you have for [A] me today?
Well, this fella here claims to have the last bowel movement of one [D] Elvis _ Aaron _ _ Presley.
_ I do declare, that is astonishing.
So what seems to be the problem, scuzz?
I just want to make sure it's [Eb] authentic.
You're right to be skeptical.
[D] There are [G] a lot of reproduction Elvis [E] tuds on the market.
_ Let me examine the [F] specimen. _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
[E] _ _ _ _ Smells authentic. _
_ _ _ _ _ _ Nice patina.
_ _ _ Hasn't been polished, which is a mistake many collectors make. _ _
Ooh, and beautifully tapered.
He was the king.
_ _ I see _ digested banana and bacon [Am] remnants in this specimen, which is consistent with all the Elvis dung that I have encountered. _ _
[E] _ _ _ But _ _ there is one concern.
_ [F] _ _ _
There are no peanuts in this.
_ [E] _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ But Elvis preferred creamy peanut butter.
_ _ In my professional opinion, this could very well be the genuine article. _ _ _ _ _ _
But [Db] _ _ [E] there's just no way to be absolutely certain.
_ _ _ _ Thanks for coming in, Beauregard.
_ [F] _ _ _ _
[C] Well, you hear what the man said.
_ Yeah, I did, but I [F] guarantee you this thing is the king's.
Maybe [E] it is, [F] but I just can't take a chance on it.
[C] Tell you what, I'll give you two bucks for the fancy box, even though it does smell like sh_
[G] _ That's alright, I'll just hold [F] on to it.
Alright, suit yourself.
[Cm] _ [C] _ _ Well, [E] it's too bad we couldn't work out a deal.
But I know damn well this came [B] from Elvis' pelvis, so I'm gonna [E] keep it right where it belongs.
On the mantelpiece, where the whole family can enjoy it.