Chords for Rebel Yells 06 - The Ballad of Stan Long (A Sexist Epic)

_ _ [C] _ _ I've drunk this health in a hundred bars,
[F] Repeatedly to the sands of [C] Mars,
And I'll drink this health again if you'll [G] just buy.
_ [C] I knew Stan Long for twenty years,
[F] That's less than a hundred thousand beers,
I'll tell you his sad story,
And he promised not to cry. _ _ _ _ _
[D] [F] Stan Long, he was a man,
He was a mighty [C] drinking man,
But drinking wasn't really [G] his forte.
_ _ He loved a [C] hundred girls,
[Fm] On a dozen [C] different worlds,
And he loved them in a [G] most peculiar way. _ _ _ _
I first met Stan on the white hot [Dm] sands of Perrin's World,
Where [C] murderous bands of aliens tried to kill us [G] all,
With blasts of [Gm] sword and shield.
[C] Fought back to back for seven days,
Fought [F] steel with steel and race with race,
So the core came in,
I had to breathe in there,
So the core came in on the seventh day,
And made the aliens yield. _ _ _ _
Now Perrin's World's a terrible place,
Where they put all [F] the dregs of the human [C] race,
But it's a place where you can get yourself [G] a girl,
Or a boy, or a drink.
So Stan and I retired that [F] day,
To a cool dark [C] dive on the side of a bay,
Of sulfurous water colored one unnatural shade of pink.
_ We sat down to drink some [F] beer,
Drank all of it, and then I fear,
[C] Drank all the wine and rum and scotch and gin,
Tequila too, and tea.
_ The world was in an awful whirl,
[F] When I said Stan, I need [Cm] a girl.
Stan poured a glass of cream [A] to me,
And said well I'll [C] take it too. _ _ _ _
Stan Long he was a man,
He was a mighty fighting man,
But fighting wasn't really his forte.
[G] _ _ He [C] loved a hundred girls,
On a [Cm] dozen different worlds,
And he loved them [G] in a most [C] peculiar way.
I looked at him in wild surmise,
[F] Tried to focus [Cm] with leery eyes,
And told him Stanley [G] stop a minute,
Think of where we are. _ _ _
[C] Those girls are built like sides of [F] beef,
All muscle bone and claws [C] and teeth,
When they get through with you,
[G] They'll be Simone at the bar. _
Well Stan just laughed and drank some green,
And [F] told me Joe you [C] think you've seen,
About all there is to see in [G] terms of sexual relations.
[C] But I'll take me these Perrin chicks,
Take them and I'll get my kicks,
And they'll pay me for my Perrin renations. _ _ _
_ I shook my head and watched him go,
And got myself a gal named Moe,
Who seemed the gentlest woman,
[G] Of that not too gentle lot.
[C] But her biceps were the [Dm] size,
Of either of my thighs,
[D] And the strongest muscles on her,
Those [C] were not.
That's the R [B]-rated version. _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ No.
_ _ Spent a day or two in traction,
[F] Then went back to get some action,
[C] Cause I'd heard a tank ship land,
With [G] beer and booze.
[C] I went back to that sleazy [F] dive,
Didn't expect to see [C] Stan alive,
To shack up with two Perrin dames,
Is not the bed that I'd choose.
_ _ Skipping late to read these funny words.
_ I limped into that sad cafe,
[F] Feeling guilty, sad [C] to say,
For letting Pearl Stanley,
[G] Take those two girls off the dive. _ _
But there [C] he was in the middle of the [Dm] floor,
Surrounded by those He-Man [C] whores,
Who gazed at him with love [G] light,
In their room he [C] bloodshot eyes.
_ _ _ _ [F] Stan Lawney was a man,
[C] He was a mighty fighting man,
But fighting _ wasn't really his [G] forte.
_ He loved a hundred [Em] girls,
On [Dm] a dozen [G] different worlds,
And he loved them in a most peculiar way.
[C] _ _ Stan, I said, I know you're [F] tough,
We've fought and bled and [C] killed enough,
Together now, that you won't [G] mind,
If I express my thought. _ _ _ _
[C] The least of this unholy [Dm] crew,
Put me in bed, in traction [C] too,
I just can't help but wonder,
[G] What you have that [C] I ain't got. _
It's really easy to explain,
Said [F] Stan, who felt no bit of pain,
But wait and let me tell you,
[G] When I think the time is right,
[C] Reactions from my fellow men,
When I explain what makes me win,
Leads some to laugh, and [G] some to cry,
And some it leads [C] to fight.
You might belong to the latter [F] bunch,
Although you don't, I have a hunch,
[C] So just in case,
I'd like a chance [G] to even up our scores.
[C] I've been drinking heavily,
[F] Since after midnight, two or [C] three,
Only twenty beers,
Drink [G] up the pay, it's on [C] the whores.
_ The girls, they brought me [Dm] twenty beers,
And favored me with [C] lurid leers,
As soon as I would gulp one [G] down,
They'd put one in my fist.
[C] By the seventeenth or eighteenth,
I [F] was slightly higher than the sky,
[C] But knew that sooner or later,
I'd have to go and take a piss. _
See, spacermen have a, this is a quota,
Spacermen have a tradition,
[F] That no matter your condition,
_ [C] The first poor boy to leave the bar,
[G] Is the one who pays the round. _
[C] Although the whores were buying it,
[F] Tradition is tradition, [C] shit,
I'd cross my teeth and grip [G] my legs,
And never [C] give up the round. _ _
_ _ _ Just throw it in, see if you're paying attention. _
_ _ _ _ _ Stan noticed my discomfort,
[F] And he ordered me some rum for it,
[C] Which I sent down to my [G] kidneys,
With a pagan hopeful prayer.
[C] Then he laughed and said,
Alright, [F] I don't think you're fit to fight,
[D] I'll walk you to the [Em] outhouse,
Arm in arm, it's [C] only fair.
Now the atmosphere on Perrin's [F] world's enough
To rot your [C] teeth,
So the scent inside the [G] outhouse
Was a positive relief.
[C] They had three piss tubes in the wall,
So [F] as not to slowly crude,
[C] I took the first one on the left,
[G] And stamped [D] at the other two. _ _ _ _ _
Stan was a man who loved to fight, _
But fighting wasn't really his [G] forte.
_ _ He loved a hundred girls
On a dozen different worlds,
And he loved them in a [G] most peculiar way.
[C] _ _ _ _
He noticed I was staring,
[Dm] And remarked of his [C] bipartite gland,
Two heads are better than one,
Is what [G] the ancient sages say.
_ _ But put yourself in my position,
[F] Empathize with my condition,
[C] I'd rather have the love
Of one good woman any day. _ _ _
_ One good woman any day. _ _
_ Well, Stan and I,
We roamed the [Fm] stars,
Fighting whores and wrecking [C] bars,
For twenty good long years,
We blazed a rough and randy trail.
_ _ And if police we underrated,
[F] We would sleep incarcerated,
[C] But like as not three females
[G] Would come by and make our [C] bail.
_ The ending of this story
Is [F] a moral in a [C] poor way,
That two plus two can equal
[G] One or four or even eight. _ _ _
[C] And if a million women
Come [F] through your life,
You'll find the [C] one just made for you,
That's love, that's [Em] luck,
Or if you choose, [C] that's faith.
_ We was busting up this carnival
[F] On I-Open, Stan spied a gal
With lovely hair, eyes and cheeks,
[G] Four legs and other charms. _ _ _
He went and asked the obvious,
[F] She answered yes,
And [C] that poor Custis fell apart.
He [G] laughed, he cried,
He swept her in [C] his arms. _
They were married in December
[F] By a drunken priest named Captain [C] Bly,
And settled down to work
Upon [G] a yeast farm in Des Moines.
_ _ Now [C] Iowa is kind of dull,
[F] You've seen one yeast,
You've seen them all,
[C] So by August,
The first pair of twins
Had sprang from out their loins.
_ Crap, that's Des Moines. _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Much to his surprise,
[F] Stan found he liked the little guys,
And round [C] about July the next year,
[G] They came up with another pair.
[C] Two more children came next May,
[F] And then Stanley, sad to say,
[C] Had to get _ vasectomized.
[G] The law on Earth is stern but [C] fair.
_ Now every time I count the [F] sin
To go to Earth,
I see [D] my friend up to his ass [Em] in diapers
Or putting [G] girls and boys through school.
[C] Yeah, the girls all had two legs,
The [F] boys half that many pegs.
[C] Such unstable mutations
Never follow Mendel's rules.
_ Now [E] Stan still likes to fight and [Eb] drink,
Now Stan still likes to fight and drink,
But he [Dm] doesn't do it much, I [Cm] think,
Not just because the bar [G] in Iowa
Closed down at night.
_ _ He's [C] got responsibilities,
[F] And even feels quite [C] L at ease
When I regale his kids with [G] tales
About their father's time. _ _ _
_ _ [D] Stan the [F] lawn, he was a man,
He was a [C] mighty loving man,
But he settled in a quiet country [G]
place,
_ [Cm] Seven bedrooms, [C] well appointed,
And [F] not mentioning the morning.
It [G] has a bathroom that's unique in all of space.
_ _ [N] _ _ _ _ _ _ _ [Bb] _ _ _ _