Chords for Ben Taylor's Gross-Out Self-Service Health Care

We get done with this Rainforest Benefit concert.
I get on a plane.
The next morning with David, we go to L.A.
and we did the Jay Leno show with my mom.
That night, we had a show of our own in San Francisco.
So we flew up to San Francisco, did our own show that night.
Following morning, we flew back to do another show with my mom in Los Angeles.
And then that night, again, we had to fly up to San Francisco to have a concert of our own.
Following morning again, back down for a concert with my mom
and then our own concert in Los Angeles that night.
Following night in San Diego that we had to drive down our show.
I woke [G] up the morning [Gb] after San Diego.
[F] _
And I was [Bb] in so much excruciating pain.
I've really never_
And I've actually got a pretty high [N] pain threshold
and I've been through a lot of pretty bad stuff in my life.
But my whole head felt as though it was being sucked into my body
and the world around me was throbbing.
So I called Larry.
I said, we're not going to do the TV that we've got doing this morning.
We're not doing anything.
We've got to get me to the hospital immediately.
So we rushed back to Los Angeles in what [Am] seemed to be a 37-hour car ride.
[N] _ And got to the doctor who immediately looked at me.
He said, I can't believe how bad that infection is.
And the other thing was that the side of my face right here had swollen up like that.
And it really felt as though my eye and my ear were being sucked into the middle of my body.
And it was so bad that my friends in the car, my boys were all going,
are you alright?
Is there anything you could do?
And every time they would talk, I would just be like, shh, shh.
I couldn't hear them talk.
We got up to the hospital, and I'm not even exaggerating, it was bad.
Got up to the doctor, he says, I've almost never seen an infection that bad.
He gives me a huge butt shot full of antibiotics and _ huge amounts of Percocet.
I mean, Percocet, I probably must have taken 20 Percocet that day because it was so bad.
Came back the next day, the swelling is down a little bit.
He sends me to the x-ray to get a picture taken of my face. _ _
What it turns out has [Db] happened is that I've got a couple of stones,
almost like people get kidney [D] stones, just like slow deposits of minerals
that happen within your salivary streams and your blood and whatnot,
that have wound up in one of my salivary ducts.
And [Db] one of these stones has come to the tip of the duct and blocked the saliva from exiting.
So this is why all the swelling happened.
[Gbm] Then the infection set in, and he said that that was the bad part, that was [Bb] what was so painful.
_ [Eb] So I came back with these x-rays to him, and he said,
you're going to have to cancel the rest of your tour.
And I said, you don't [Db] understand, I'm going to be in deep shit if I don't get to Miami in the morning.
He said, you're already in deep shit, otherwise [C] you wouldn't be in here.
You're going to have to cancel the rest of your tour.
I said, well, can't you just [Eb] get in there with a scalpel and pop this thing out of [N] my salivary ducts
such that it can at least drain and I can go on with the rest of my tour?
And he said, well, I don't know if I want to do that because you've got two of them,
one right by the _ entrance and one back in the gland.
At this point, my gland is huge on my neck, you can see it.
_ I go back to the hotel, I'm in bed, I'm in so much pain, and I'm wondering what the hell I'm going to do to try to_
I mean, I've never canceled a tour before, that would be a nightmare.
I mean, a nightmare, _ expensive, embarrassing, [F] everything bad.
[Eb] So I'm sitting there in my hotel room, and I'm [Ebm] about to do it, but the pain is so excruciating,
[F] and I begin to be able to feel this stone with my tongue in my mouth,
although it's almost impossibly painful to move my tongue.
[N] And I get there, and I'm thinking about it, and I'm like, man, there's only one way, there's only one thing to do.
So I went into the bathroom, and I got in the mirror, and I stuck my tongue out,
and I could feel the thing under my tongue, with my tongue, like, under there.
And so I grabbed, I have extremely sharp fingernails from playing the guitar,
and I almost think that it's like a genetic improvement upon my parents,
because you can't break these fingernails, they're like scalpels.
And I go in, and I grab this stone out of my tongue, and I ripped it out of my [G] tongue. _
In order to do so, _ I screamed and cried and laughed so hard, all [Bb] simultaneously,
that the entire mirror, I couldn't see myself in [Eb] the mirror anymore at all by the time I got [C] this thing out.
And when I did, and I'm sorry to have to even talk about this in front of all you pretty girls who must be watching this interview,
but what issued from underneath my [D] tongue was a volcanic Vesuvius of blood and pus,
the likes of which I've never even contemplated. _
It was so disgusting, I mean, like, you really don't want to know, people.
I know this is uncensored, but you don't want to know.
So, in any event, _ it starts to feel a lot better [Eb] after I actually [Gb] relieved the pressure, as you can imagine.
And at that moment, my mother is [G] upstairs having an [N] interview with the Los Angeles Times
about the concert that we had done together the night before that.
I'm supposed to go up there, but as I mentioned, I have pus coming out of my tongue.
So I go up, and I'm having _ this interview with the LA Times,
during which I have to go, like, excuse myself to the bathroom to deal with this thing a bunch of times.
Finally, it gets finished, and I end up calling the doctor.
I said, man, I took it out myself, and it's abscessing.
He said, get in here.
I got in there, and he opened up my mouth, and I showed it to him, and it was one of these things.
He was like, Dr.
Friedman, Dr.
Friedman, come in here for a second.
You've got to look at something.
So Dr.
Friedman came in, and he looked at my mouth, and he said, oh my God.
And he said, the good news about it is that it's going to start to feel a lot better now.
He said, like, get on a plane, go to Miami, see what happens.
And I got on a plane to Miami.
It was really painful.
I got to the hotel in Miami, and _ I grabbed hold of the gland,
for it was still quite swollen with the second one in there.
And I grabbed it, and I twisted it, and I squoze it so hard that the second stone came _ up to the surface of the hole.
I was able to [Bb] get a purchase on [G] it with my fingernails, and get it out [F] of my mouth,
after which I've been essentially fine.
_ [C] I showed it