American Humour Chords by Kevin Bloody Wilson

I mentioned before in the first half about an album
that I got out at the moment called Nashville Trash.
Well, what I was trying to deliver to you before
was the fact that I don't think Americans
have the same sort of sense of humor as us
in as much as we're really good at laughing at ourselves.
Whereas the Americans, like if an American
were to walk into a dark room and trip over a chair,
he's likely to say,
what motherfucker left that in my way?
_ Whereas if you or I walk into a room and trip over a chair,
you likely say, you silly cunt,
you should have turned the fucking light on, eh? _
_ _ _ _ I was in America, I was in a bar in Los Angeles.
I could cite examples of the Americans
not really getting onto our humor time and time again.
But I was in a bar in Los Angeles and I gotta admit,
I was a bit pissed to be honest, I was drunk. _
Fuck, I was real drunk, I mean.
I was as full as a bishop's ball bag this night, I mean.
_ _ _ _ And I got to the point where I was doing
a bit of water skiing at the bar for them.
Have you ever done that?
You ever gone water skiing at the bar?
That's when you piss your pants
and hang onto the handrail, you know. _ _ _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
And the barman was listening to my accent
and he picked up on my accent.
And after about five minutes of listening to him,
he said, hey buddy, you're all from Scotland.
_ I said, fuck off, mate, I'm an Australian.
He said, yeah, you're from Australia, golly.
Do you know Crocodile Dundee?
I said, I fucking know him, he's me brother.
I'm Gecko Dundee, here you go. _
He believed me.
I'm a real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real.
Fair dinkum, this bloke made two short planks
look like a fucking computer.
_ _ And he's telling all the bar that he's [Eb] got it,
because in LA they love celebrities,
so he's telling the whole bar,
hey everybody, we got a celebrity in tonight.
We got Gecko [N] Dundee from Australia.
This guy's real big down under.
You fucking got that bit right.
_ _ _ _ _ They're piling on me, buying me drinks
and asking me for my autograph.
Now I can't even spell fucking Gecko.
I was just drawing pictures of little lizards for them.
Look, I don't know whether it was an hour,
maybe two hours later, but there was a couple of pieces
of A grade fur went and plonked themselves
a few seats away. _ _
_ _ And me dick short circuited me brain. _
I thought I could do all right amongst these,
so I could do a bit of fucking damage here, I reckon.
Well, it was either crack it for Australia Reuter
or I would have to pay excess baggage
on me knackers to get them home. _ _
_ _ _ [Ab] _ _ So I thought, but there's two of them.
[N] I'm gonna have to split them up to do any goodies.
So I thought I'd better invite somebody else to the party.
And there was a sepo sitting a few seats away.
Septic tank, yank.
You call them Sherman tanks here in England, don't you?
And in Australia, Sherman tanks are wank.
Same thing, right. _ _ _ _ _
_ _ _ _ _ _ _
So I thought I'll invite this fellow along to the party
so I can split these shillers up, you see.
So I turned around and I said,
I said, hey mate, I said,
what about we have a couple of charges
and we slip over here and pin a tail
on these two shillers, hey?
He looked at me, he said, pardon?
_ I said, mate, I'm speaking the Queen's English.
Your fucking ears painted on or what, mate?
_ _ [Ab] _ We'll [F] start again.
Look, you and me have a couple more beers
and we'll slip over here
and we'll try [C] and screw these two women.
What do you reckon?
He looked at me, he said,
oh, I understand what you're saying now, buddy.
Golly, he said, you gotta count me out of that.
I got my wife upstairs, man.
I got more than I can handle up there.
I said, all right, well, what about we have a couple
more beers and we slip up to your fucking room, eh? _
_ _ _ For a bloke that don't like violence, I get [N] hit a lot.